Last night I was undecided whether to attend class today or skip it. And just before I retired for the night, I decided that I'll let my body be the judge of it come morning. So it was my body that decided that I step on a mat again today for a Pranayama and a Vinyasa Open Level classes. It felt good to listen to the body and let it take over the mind. These days I am becoming more and more accepting of the fact that my body is intelligent too, that it isn't just the mind that knows things.
It was my first Pranayama class with JO today and it was different from the Pranayama class that I have attended with L. I was surprised by the difference but it was a nice change of pace from the usual Pranayama class I've attended in the past. It was different but I also enjoyed it. I have not been attending Pranayama classes for the past two months I think and it was nice to be in a class and have time to focus on the breath alone - no poses, just the breath. It was the stillness and the focus that I have missed and attending Pranayama class today was one that I realized I needed coming from a lack of focus and being too distracted in class yesterday. The exercises in class were nothing new to me but honestly I rarely practice pranayama and even vinyasa at home. I find it very comforting to have someone lead me through practice but I guess eventually, I have to take my practice home. Eventually, I'll get there.
Our Vinyasa Open Level class followed the Pranayama class. It was also the first time I attended a Vinyasa class led by JO. And I couldn't help but smile with pride and joy at the realization that almost a year ago, I first stepped into a mat in UAM in JO's FNR class. How much has changed since then! I liked the poses he cued in class today and the transitions we made from one pose to the next. That's one of the things that I have started to appreciate in Vinyasa classes - that creativity in transitions, the unpredictability and the possibilities within 90 minutes of practice. I have attended enough FNR classes to observe that the poses are indeed limited and the transitions tend to be similar. I didn't know I'd say it this soon but I have come to love and embrace Vinyasa Open Level classes. It amazes me how a few months ago I was too anxious of attending Vinyasa Open Level classes because they were out of my comfort zone. I was too comfortable in FNR classes. It was familiar and I knew I was doing well.
So what changed? It was when I attended an FNR Athletics class last weekend that it came to me what L and C have told me about my practice. I was indeed doing well and I have come to outgrow the FNR class. It shows my strengths but it no longer shows me the limitations in my mind and in my body that I should dissolve. T, the substitute teacher last Saturday said it best, "if you could reach your toes, perhaps you should be in a Vinyasa class". Alas! I have gained a bit of flexibility enough to reach my toes. It was really time for me to graduate from FNR classes. And that is why these days I feel more motivated to attend Vinyasa Open Level classes. I still feel conscious at the start of every class and I make sure to choose a spot where only a few people will see me (that is, rightmost near the wall, at the back or the middle row) but once the class begins, I forget about my classmates as the practice reveals to me my physical and mental limitations. Working my way on dissolving them one modification at a time, my practice becomes my own and there's no one else but me on a mat and the teacher leading the practice.
Today the peak pose was Bakasana or Crow pose and I did it. I hadn't realized that not a lot of my classmates were able to do the pose until JO said that it was okay if some of us were not able to do it yet and that we should focus on building strength first; that the people who were able to do it have already built enough strength in their arms to move into the pose. It made me think of how I started in his class 357 days ago, struggling to hold plank even for a second and how practicing regularly have allowed me to build strength enough to hold an arm balance in tonight's class. I can hold plank now with much more ease than when I first started. I can even do chaturanga! It gave me immense satisfaction to have come to that realization. Yoga has made me stronger, more confident and is paving the way for me to be more self-aware. I am glad that I had the courage to step on the mat 357 days ago.
I have come to realize that self-development requires us to take a leap out of our comfort zones and to embrace the anxiety that comes with being in a new zone. Growth begins when we acknowledge our limitations and when we commit to dissolving them.
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