progressing from FNR to vinyasa open level

Last night I was undecided whether to attend class today or skip it. And just before I retired for the night, I decided that I'll let my body be the judge of it come morning. So it was my body that decided that I step on a mat again today for a Pranayama and a Vinyasa Open Level classes. It felt good to listen to the body and let it take over the mind. These days I am becoming more and more accepting of the fact that my body is intelligent too, that it isn't just the mind that knows things.

It was my first Pranayama class with JO today and it was different from the Pranayama class that I have attended with L. I was surprised by the difference but it was a nice change of pace from the usual Pranayama class I've attended in the past. It was different but I also enjoyed it. I have not been attending Pranayama classes for the past two months I think and it was nice to be in a class and have time to focus on the breath alone - no poses, just the breath. It was the stillness and the focus that I have missed and attending Pranayama class today was one that I realized I needed coming from a lack of focus and being too distracted in class yesterday. The exercises in class were nothing new to me but honestly I rarely practice pranayama and even vinyasa at home. I find it very comforting to have someone lead me through practice but I guess eventually, I have to take my practice home. Eventually, I'll get there.

Our Vinyasa Open Level class followed the Pranayama class. It was also the first time I attended a Vinyasa class led by JO. And I couldn't help but smile with pride and joy at the realization that almost a year ago, I first stepped into a mat in UAM in JO's FNR class. How much has changed since then! I liked the poses he cued in class today and the transitions we made from one pose to the next. That's one of the things that I have started to appreciate in Vinyasa classes - that creativity in transitions, the unpredictability and the possibilities within 90 minutes of practice. I have attended enough FNR classes to observe that the poses are indeed limited and the transitions tend to be similar. I didn't know I'd say it this soon but I have come to love and embrace Vinyasa Open Level classes. It amazes me how a few months ago I was too anxious of attending Vinyasa Open Level classes because they were out of my comfort zone. I was too comfortable in FNR classes. It was familiar and I knew I was doing well.

So what changed? It was when I attended an FNR Athletics class last weekend that it came to me what L and C have told me about my practice. I was indeed doing well and I have come to outgrow the FNR class. It shows my strengths but it no longer shows me the limitations in my mind and in my body that I should dissolve. T, the substitute teacher last Saturday said it best, "if you could reach your toes, perhaps you should be in a Vinyasa class". Alas! I have gained a bit of flexibility enough to reach my toes. It was really time for me to graduate from FNR classes. And that is why these days I feel more motivated to attend Vinyasa Open Level classes. I still feel conscious at the start of every class and I make sure to choose a spot where only a few people will see me (that is, rightmost near the wall, at the back or the middle row) but once the class begins, I forget about my classmates as the practice reveals to me my physical and mental limitations. Working my way on dissolving them one modification at a time, my practice becomes my own and there's no one else but me on a mat and the teacher leading the practice.

Today the peak pose was Bakasana or Crow pose and I did it. I hadn't realized that not a lot of my classmates were able to do the pose until JO said that it was okay if some of us were not able to do it yet and that we should focus on building strength first; that the people who were able to do it have already built enough strength in their arms to move into the pose. It made me think of how I started in his class 357 days ago, struggling to hold plank even for a second and how practicing regularly have allowed me to build strength enough to hold an arm balance in tonight's class. I can hold plank now with much more ease than when I first started. I can even do chaturanga! It gave me immense satisfaction to have come to that realization. Yoga has made me stronger, more confident and is paving the way for me to be more self-aware. I am glad that I had the courage to step on the mat 357 days ago.

I have come to realize that self-development requires us to take a leap out of our comfort zones and to embrace the anxiety that comes with being in a new zone. Growth begins when we acknowledge our limitations and when we commit to dissolving them.

yoga progress

Class today took me to the Mermaid pose. It wasn't the peak pose but I felt that was where I was meant to be for now.

As expected, I found today's class challenging as I've skipped my yoga classes for 2 weeks. I was motivated to practice more regularly when the familiar ache in my back returned. What motivated me to try yoga in the first place is the main reason why I keep coming back. Sometimes I forget that so it's good to be reminded. We all need reminders, things to keep us grounded. So yes, it really isn't the toning of the body that motivates my yoga practice but the health benefits it gives.

Something distracted me in class today. Actually through most of my practice, I wasn't as focused as I used to be. Instead I was distracted by how close the mats were and by the other students in class. It didn't help my practice at all. Then during vinyasa, I kept smelling something like floor wax and it made me nauseous. But I forgive myself for being too scattered today and hope that my future practices will be a lot better because of this awareness. 

Baby grasshopper

My limbs are sore. It bothers me when I move only because it is painful but the pain ceased being so important to me. Why? Because I know that this pain is for a healthier and stronger body. In a way, this pain now is so that I can avoid future suffering, as my teachers always say.

My teachers have encouraged me to attend Vinyasa classes. According to them my yoga practice is doing well and so to be able to learn more, I should attend more Vinyasa classes. So that's what I have been doing. I have noticed the difference between FNR and Vinyasa Open Level classes. There are more variations and more complicated poses in Vinyasa Open Level classes than in FNR. Each time I am exposed to a new pose and I feel in my body that it is also adapting. I find it amazing to find that my body still has room to grow, that it can still adjust to more bending and that it can actually be a lot more stronger. I guess it also relates to our capacity as individuals in general. I've been working in the same industry for 10 years now and yes, sometimes I feel like I already know everything about a certain task. But every now and then I find myself in circumstances that challenge that belief and pushes me to see the world from a different perspective. Perhaps there is always room to grow no matter your age and your position in life.

In my most recent Vinyasa Open Level class, I was introduced to the Baby Grasshopper pose. When MD, our teacher, demonstrated it, I didn't think I could do it. It looks so easy for her but a lot intimidating for me. And yet I tried and when I tried it, I found that it wasn't as challenging as I thought it was going to be. The hardship was just in my head. Sure it wasn't easy but it was something I discovered I could do. 

And so that got me thinking about how we get overwhelmed by some circumstances in our lives because we allow the mind to think that it is difficult. Perhaps if we only look at it through a different lens, we would find that these things that we think are insurmountable are actually something we can overcome. Rainer Maria Rilke put it best, "perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love."

in my glass house, I thought somebody threw a stone

These days I've been thinking about the times when I respond by fighting. I don't mean fighting in the sense that I physically fight but in the sense that I talk back and resort to anger. The times when I hear something someone said that I perceive as an attack against my person.

It's hard to remain calm at those moments, isn't it? And that got me thinking of why I respond the way I do.

The challenge is to not be egotistical enough to think that the words that touch me (whether positively or negatively) are specifically directed to me. They touch me precisely because there is something in me that understands it so I respond to it. And it's humbling to admit that I am egotistical. Yes, I am.

I also realized that a lot of it has to do with me being afraid of who I am. I may say that I am comfortable being me but if I were truly being honest, there are still bits and pieces of me that I wish people would never criticize me for. It's true that I am ok with my flaws but that does not necessarily mean that it's ok with me whether people like me or not. Because I want people to like me and that need to be liked and accepted is something I am still processing and dealing with day in and day out.


And so here I am trying to gain back my zen and my happy. But you know what finally made me smile, it's the promise that I can get to that place where I am 100% comfortable with who I am - flaws and all, not afraid of whether people will accept me or not and not thinking that everything is about me.

I realized that the first step in changing for the better is acknowledging that I am lacking in so many things, that I am not yet the kind of person I want to be, that I still have a long way to go. My first step is acceptance and my second is to continue this inward journey even in the presence of doubt and fear.

comfort zone

In practicing yoga for 8 months, I have settled into a comfort zone. FNR classes have been my comfort zone.

Last Wednesday after my two-hour Pranayama and FNR class, L (our teacher) asked me how I was. I told him I was doing good and I meant it. Just coming from a trip to Davao where we scaled the highest mountain in the country through one of the more technical trails, I was feeling mighty fine and also physically strong. He said that I was doing very well in my practice and that it's just really the small things that I have to pay attention to. He urged me to attend Vinyasa classes after inquiring if I had been attending any lately... which I haven't really... at least not that much.  He said that he can only teach me enough in FNR classes and that I should attend Vinyasa to broaden my yoga practice.

And that short conversation sparked confidence and inspiration within me. I think it's time to take more Vinyasa classes even though it's not my comfort zone... yet.

encountering a handstand

I attended my third Vinyasa Open class with MD leading the class tonight. To be honest, I was a ball of anxious energy when I stepped on the mat. It was a small class and a lot of people seem to be acquainted with one another. I almost felt regretful for not attending FNR instead. But my goal was to expand my yoga practice and to not be limited to FNR classes. I know that FNR classes have become my comfort zone and I know that it was time to progress, not to leave FNR but to expand the repertoire of classes I attend.

However, knowing and actually being there to do it were two different things. I still felt unprepared and ill-equipped. The same fearful thoughts as when I attended my first yoga class ran through my head - What if I were the only one in class who couldn't flow through a vinyasa? What if the teacher had a very complicated pose in mind and I were the only one who couldn't do it? 

I reminded myself though that I must embrace change and that I needed to grow. I reminded myself that the mat does not judge. I was not there to be better than my neighbor. I was there for myself. These thoughts were what carried me through the practice.

The Vinyasa Open Class was a lot faster than the FNR classes I attend. However, the teacher still broke down the poses and I really appreciated this. I was quite mindful of the state of my body during practice - making sure I was doing enough but not pushing myself too far because I have plans of attending Pranayama and FNR classes tomorrow.

In class, MD asked us to find stillness in our practice and it was quite a challenge for me. I tend to make a lot of extra movements but today taught me about the beauty of being still, of being focused on containing the energy within until it is time to direct it elsewhere. I was quite tired a little over halfway through class but I managed until MD told us that we would be doing an inversion. She asked who among us have never experienced an inversion. I was quick to raise my hand because I wasn't able to hold a Pincha Mayurasana the time I attended MM's class last January. Lucky for me, C, another teacher, was practicing beside me and MD asked her to help out those who needed help. She helped me first.

C broke down the instructions for me. She stood with her back against the wall while I set up in downward dog. She asked me to place my hands about 6 inches from the wall. Then she asked me to shorten my downward dog and to raise one leg and move my other leg closer to my hand. She then told me to bend my standing leg and to hop. It felt so quick and so smooth. Having her instructions, it felt so different having someone there to guide me step by step. I recognized that the fear wasn't there with me on the mat unlike the time when I encountered Pincha Mayurasana. But then again I suppose that having encountered an inversion already prepared me ( a bit for what was to come. In a heartbeat, my feet were up in the air and my C brought them to the wall. I was just on my hands, standing tall differently. A handstand. My first Adho Mukha Vrksasana.

Photo grabbed from Yoga Journal

It surprised me that I already have the strength for it. I didn't sink on my shoulders and my arms felt ok as I held the pose. When C tried to let go of my feet, I shook as I tried to maintain my balance. It is still a difficult pose indeed. But I appreciated how accessible a handstand can be when you're doing it against the wall. When C helped me go back down, it was in one smooth and gentle manner. She moved on to helping another student. When I tried taking off to a handstand on my own, I found it difficult. I tried lifting the left leg up but it wasn't as easy as when I did it on my right. I did manage to hop up and for a brief second I felt I was floating. And that felt more than enough for today. :-)

mt. pulag

The day I turned 30 was the day I reached Mt. Pulag.

In 2013, after climbing two mountains - Pico de Loro and Tarak Ridge - J organized for us to climb Mt. Pulag with some friends from our office. We didn't expect that there would be a huge crowd going to Baguio on the first weekend of December so that pushed us back a good two hours but all was well when we reached Baguio and boarded the monster jeep that took us to Benguet.

Half-way through our trip, some of us decided to ride the top of the monster jeep. It was part of the experience, they said. So I went and it was thrilling - at first - what with the cold wind hitting your face and the faint smell of pine all around. It was so refreshing... until I started getting dizzy from the winding road and the speed we were cruising at. I was only too grateful when the jeepney made a stop and we went down.

We had a quick stop at the DENR office where we underwent the standard orientation. I listened intently to the orientation and I found it very interesting. I particularly liked the cultural aspect they included in the orientation. It was then that climbing Mt. Pulag became more than just climbing a mountain. Until now I can still remember the words "Respect Mt. Pulag" very clearly.

After our orientation at the DENR Office, we headed to the Babadak Ranger Station, the jump-off for the Ambangeg Trail. We had lunch before beginning our hike. I had so much hope for the hike, with the photos of a beautiful sunrise and a sea of clouds from the summit of Mt. Pulag I've seen in the internet etched in my mind.

However, the clouds decided to hide the sun as we progressed. Still, I remained positive.

Mt. Pulag
December 7, 2013

When we entered the mossy forest, it grew dark and it started drizzling. I could only see a few good feet ahead of me. The mist was upon us. If it weren't for the people we climbed with, I don't think I would have enjoyed the hike as much. It was a bit wet and I felt cold. And I didn't like being wet and cold at the same time. It was gloomy all around us, the weather and the temperature made me want to curl up under a warm blanket. But still, we were hopeful. We laughed, we shared smiles. When we reached the campsite, we were thrilled.

But the mist made it difficult for us to appreciate the beauty of Luzon's highest mountain, until the clouds parted and gave us a peek of the beauty surrounding us.

It was like a scene from Antoine de Saint-Exupery's The Little Prince, one of my favorite books. Gazing across the landscape made me think of the Little Prince's fox and his wisdom about taming. Looking back, it was my first sight of this landscape that tamed me. This was what endeared me to Mt. Pulag. It's no longer just another mountain to me. It is Mt. Pulag. 

Mt. Pulag
December 7, 2013

Sunset at Mt. Pulag

And then the sun set and being that close to the heavens was something that was quite unique and special.

Night came so quickly. The cold was biting and there was nothing I wanted more than to retreat to our tent. We quickly had dinner and planned to go to another tent to socialize with some of our friends but it grew colder and the mist made it hard to see. That night, it drizzled again and it felt cold and uncomfortable. At 3 am the following morning, we woke up and had a quick breakfast before hiking to the summit.

The trail was wet, making it a slippery hike. I slipped one too many times. It was a challenge to hike in such a condition. J had briefed me about being aware of my temperature and to be on guard about hypothermia so I was constantly taking turns in bundling myself up so I won't get cold and in taking off my cold weather clothes to cool down when I'm beginning to sweat.

I wasn't aware that we reached the summit until our guide said so.

At Mt. Pulag's summit

There was no sea of clouds that morning, only mist. We waited until 7 am but nothing. The cold was biting and I was wet. I felt miserable because I was cold and wet and the temperature was well below what I consider tolerable and comfortable and there was nothing but a sea of people waiting for a sea of clouds that was nowhere in sight. I was irritable and I just wanted to change into dry clothes and to get warm inside a tent.

But on the way down, my irritation slowly dissipated - not because the sea of clouds magically appeared. It was because I realized it was still a wonderful climb sans the sea of clouds. I was reminded of the laughter and the smiles we shared, of our spirit even when it wasn't an easy climb, of our high hopes even though it drizzled - the shared experience that fostered friendship and bonding. It was still slippery and cold was still biting on the way down but I found myself happy. Somewhere along the trails, I found an appreciation for my perseverance and my resilience. I was teary-eyed when I reached Babadak Ranger Station not because I was frustrated but because I was proud of what I had been through. It had been a very spiritually enriching climb, one that made me stronger and more appreciative of myself and perhaps that was just what I needed at the time.

Descending from the summit of Mt. Pulag
December 8, 2013

amansinaya

It was one of those days when summer is slipping from our wake and the first rains to signal the wet season is threatening to happen at any moment that J and I decided to just take the road and wish for the best. With the sun shining oh so gloriously, we had a lovely stretch of road to Batangas before we reached our destination...

Amansinaya.

Amansinaya is a resort tucked away in Laurel, Batangas. They have a lovely swimming pool that overlooks trees too many to count and the magical Ambon-Ambon falls in the background. Aside from swimming, we also tried mud sliding, ziplining, and wall climbing. I really liked the activities in this resort particularly the mud slide. It's not really mud but more like a sliding down and dropping in a pool of brown water. They also have something like a ropes course which I think will be great for team-building activities.

What I really enjoyed here though was the trip to Ambon-Ambon Falls. We arranged this through the front desk and a vehicle from the resort took us to the jump-off point. From the jump-off point, we took a short trek to reach the falls, nothing too hardcore. In fact, there were people of all ages in the group we went with. It was an easy trek, passing by houses, rice fields, rivers and many more.

The scenery changed as we went nearer the falls, entering this huge opening with a stream in between and trees crowding above. I liked that the place felt untouched and pure and I can't imagine it not being that way.

Soon after, we finally saw Ambon-Ambon falls and it was enchanting. I was mesmerized twice over. I couldn't get my eyes off the waterfalls and I kept marveling at the mist around us.

Ambon-Ambon Falls
Laurel, Batangas
June 9, 2013

On our way back, we passed by this view and I thought it was just beautiful.

We washed up back at the resort and capped off our trip with snacks. It was a lovely trip that I enjoyed immensely.

la union

Who goes to San Juan, La Union and does not surf? I did... and what a mistake that was!

This was a spontaneous trip, one that wasn't planned on my part. J went to La Union for work and I followed a few days later. It was a grueling 7-hour bus ride from Manila to San Juan, La Union but the sea took away my tiredness as soon as I saw it.

We were there for the Soul Surf (2013) event. It had all the elements that epic sem breaks are made of but not one that particularly appealed to my age group. Nonetheless, the beach was there and that was more than enough. While J worked, I engaged in another favorite pastime, people watching. This I did with music from The Cure playing in the background while I sipped a yogurt smoothie. This is how I knew that I was in the right place at the right time, that nothing could possibly go wrong. Everything was all right in the universe.

I watched surfers and skimboarders as they waited for the right time and eventually rode the waves. It looked so much fun and something I think I would really have enjoyed had I been prepared.

And there were people just like me, lounging by the shore, lost in conversations or in a sea of their own thoughts.

And there were couples that reminded me that love is indeed all around.

The following afternoon, we were treated to a most beautiful sunset.

We also checked out the bands but left soon after deciding we would rather conserve our energy for the long drive back to Manila the following day.

When we went back to the beach the following morning, it made me really sad that people partied carelessly. There were too many cigarette butts, too many plastic cups, bottles of alcoholic beverages and other trash littered on the shore. It was disheartening.

But then, I saw this...

... and hoped that one of these days, those who partied the night before would come to realize that the beach wouldn't be a place we'd feel lucky enough to be in if it weren't clean anymore.

As luck would have it, we were there early to catch the surfing competition. I know nothing about surfing but it felt amazing watching people ride wave after wave. That was the most amazing way to cap our La Union trip.

San Juan, La Union.
October 24, 2013