encountering a handstand

I attended my third Vinyasa Open class with MD leading the class tonight. To be honest, I was a ball of anxious energy when I stepped on the mat. It was a small class and a lot of people seem to be acquainted with one another. I almost felt regretful for not attending FNR instead. But my goal was to expand my yoga practice and to not be limited to FNR classes. I know that FNR classes have become my comfort zone and I know that it was time to progress, not to leave FNR but to expand the repertoire of classes I attend.

However, knowing and actually being there to do it were two different things. I still felt unprepared and ill-equipped. The same fearful thoughts as when I attended my first yoga class ran through my head - What if I were the only one in class who couldn't flow through a vinyasa? What if the teacher had a very complicated pose in mind and I were the only one who couldn't do it? 

I reminded myself though that I must embrace change and that I needed to grow. I reminded myself that the mat does not judge. I was not there to be better than my neighbor. I was there for myself. These thoughts were what carried me through the practice.

The Vinyasa Open Class was a lot faster than the FNR classes I attend. However, the teacher still broke down the poses and I really appreciated this. I was quite mindful of the state of my body during practice - making sure I was doing enough but not pushing myself too far because I have plans of attending Pranayama and FNR classes tomorrow.

In class, MD asked us to find stillness in our practice and it was quite a challenge for me. I tend to make a lot of extra movements but today taught me about the beauty of being still, of being focused on containing the energy within until it is time to direct it elsewhere. I was quite tired a little over halfway through class but I managed until MD told us that we would be doing an inversion. She asked who among us have never experienced an inversion. I was quick to raise my hand because I wasn't able to hold a Pincha Mayurasana the time I attended MM's class last January. Lucky for me, C, another teacher, was practicing beside me and MD asked her to help out those who needed help. She helped me first.

C broke down the instructions for me. She stood with her back against the wall while I set up in downward dog. She asked me to place my hands about 6 inches from the wall. Then she asked me to shorten my downward dog and to raise one leg and move my other leg closer to my hand. She then told me to bend my standing leg and to hop. It felt so quick and so smooth. Having her instructions, it felt so different having someone there to guide me step by step. I recognized that the fear wasn't there with me on the mat unlike the time when I encountered Pincha Mayurasana. But then again I suppose that having encountered an inversion already prepared me ( a bit for what was to come. In a heartbeat, my feet were up in the air and my C brought them to the wall. I was just on my hands, standing tall differently. A handstand. My first Adho Mukha Vrksasana.

Photo grabbed from Yoga Journal

It surprised me that I already have the strength for it. I didn't sink on my shoulders and my arms felt ok as I held the pose. When C tried to let go of my feet, I shook as I tried to maintain my balance. It is still a difficult pose indeed. But I appreciated how accessible a handstand can be when you're doing it against the wall. When C helped me go back down, it was in one smooth and gentle manner. She moved on to helping another student. When I tried taking off to a handstand on my own, I found it difficult. I tried lifting the left leg up but it wasn't as easy as when I did it on my right. I did manage to hop up and for a brief second I felt I was floating. And that felt more than enough for today. :-)