in my glass house, I thought somebody threw a stone

These days I've been thinking about the times when I respond by fighting. I don't mean fighting in the sense that I physically fight but in the sense that I talk back and resort to anger. The times when I hear something someone said that I perceive as an attack against my person.

It's hard to remain calm at those moments, isn't it? And that got me thinking of why I respond the way I do.

The challenge is to not be egotistical enough to think that the words that touch me (whether positively or negatively) are specifically directed to me. They touch me precisely because there is something in me that understands it so I respond to it. And it's humbling to admit that I am egotistical. Yes, I am.

I also realized that a lot of it has to do with me being afraid of who I am. I may say that I am comfortable being me but if I were truly being honest, there are still bits and pieces of me that I wish people would never criticize me for. It's true that I am ok with my flaws but that does not necessarily mean that it's ok with me whether people like me or not. Because I want people to like me and that need to be liked and accepted is something I am still processing and dealing with day in and day out.


And so here I am trying to gain back my zen and my happy. But you know what finally made me smile, it's the promise that I can get to that place where I am 100% comfortable with who I am - flaws and all, not afraid of whether people will accept me or not and not thinking that everything is about me.

I realized that the first step in changing for the better is acknowledging that I am lacking in so many things, that I am not yet the kind of person I want to be, that I still have a long way to go. My first step is acceptance and my second is to continue this inward journey even in the presence of doubt and fear.